Sinful Piety

As a bible college student, I may not know everything there is to know about theology or God's grace just yet, but one thing as a sinner that I am familiar with, is sin itself.

Sin

The very word itself seems to have an ominous resonance to it when you say it. A sort of hushed word that no church-goer wants to hear, thus they whisper it like it's Voldemort from Harry Potter. It's a thing every human being struggles with in their day to day lives. In certain translations, sin literally means "without", or "without God". To sin, is to basically drive a wedge between you and the Father. Sounds depressing doesn't it? To think, that no matter how good you are, how much mass you attend or serve in a ministry, you fail God every single day. Is all hope lost? Are we doomed to be failures for the rest of our sinful little lives? Well, in a sense: yes. Does it stop there? No. You see, in order to embrace God's grace and forgiveness, you must first understand sin. In order to know peace, you must first know chaos. It's a cause and effect relationship. Without chaos, there would just be peace, just as without sin...we wouldn't need Jesus. Now, I'm not saying that sin is of God, because it's very clear in God's word that He hates sin. In fact, sin is what separates us from Him, but in order to know Jesus, we have to know sin. We all know sin, we are born with what is know as "Adamic Blood", which is basically our bloodline that ties us back to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The sins of our father, to put it poetically. Pretty much we are born failures, but thankfully through the blood of Jesus Christ, we are redeemed and given life. To accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we are pretty much signing a contract with God, stating that we give Him full ownership of our lives, as He deems fit. To do so, opens up so much more meaning and purpose.

In my own personal life, I have had to deal with very painful things. My mother has mental illness and is fighting depression everyday. My father takes medication to keep his heart working, and has numerous health afflictions. Dad was never home, he was always working making sure that all our bills were paid, because we didn't know if we were going to have our house one month to the next. Mom was always sleeping early because she didn't have the will to move or even live, so she copes by sleeping. My brother, wants nothing to do with me, or my life. For 17 years of my life, I was pretty much by myself. We stopped celebrating the holidays together as a family. This past year, my mother tried to take her own life, and I live with the fear of one day coming home and finding her dead. My dad, has struggled with mental illness in his family for 25 years with his own father, and thought he would never have to deal with it ever again. My home life isn't the worst, but it's not the best either. Why am I sharing all this? Because I have made it my life's goal, to make sure that everyone I meet or come into contact with, meets the God that I serve so that they can know peace and escape pain. So that they don't have to know the pain that I've experienced. I live to see life change. Before I met God, my life was in shambles. I hung out with drug dealers and dope pushers. Done acts that I'm frankly not proud of, and things that I've knelt before God and asked forgiveness for. I've experienced freedom in the murdered Son of God, and I want the whole world to know it too. The day that He found me, was the day that I truly started living. God gave me purpose that I never had, peace that I never knew, and love like I've never experienced.

I will not rest until the lost know Jesus. That is the mission and the promise that I have made to God, and the purpose that He has given me. It breaks my heart that there are people in this world that hurt, when the rest they are looking for is found in a baby in a manger. I'm not perfect because I know Jesus, but God is perfect because He is in me, and through Him I have everlasting joy. We sin every single day, but God is good enough to forgive us every day, because there is nothing on this planet that can ever separate us from His great love. That is the most beautiful thing I have ever come to know. To rest in the fact that no matter what I do, God still chases after me, He believes in me. A curious yet captivating concept to embrace: God believes in me.

"God made everything out of nothing, so while we are still nothing, He can make something out of us" --Martin Luther.

His Love

            Tonight I felt an overwhelming need to talk about what many of us do not fully understand, and fewer of us even know: the love of Jesus Christ. Now, before I begin I want to disclose that this is not just a vain attempt to try and pass myself off as a "true disciple", and that I know everything there is to know about the love of Jesus. Nor is this just an attempt to publicly flaunt my love for Christ so that you might, for some strange reason, think more highly of me. Let me just say that I am infantile when it comes to truly understanding the magnitude of the love of Christ, and that I am motivated tonight to share what revelation came to me. Jesus came into the world as a servant, when He could have chosen to come as a king. He washed his own disciple's feet, sat with sinners, and hung out with lepers and disease ridden people who were ostracized from the community. The truth behind the love of Christ, which awestruck me more than anything else, was...He didn't care. He didn't care who you were, what you've done, why you did it, who you did it with, when you did it. None of those things mattered to Him. He just loved without ceasing. Whether you were Jew or Gentile, it didn't matter to Him. What even struck me more was, He loved us before we were ever born. "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..." it says in Jeremiah. He knew me, and who I would be, and what I would do...and yet He loved me anyways. So much so, that He chose to take to the cross and die for me. Now that's a love you can't touch. A love you cannot honestly say that you can begin to understand. Jesus knew exactly where He was going and what was going to happen when He got there, the whole while being beaten and taunted by those who worshiped Him. The very same people that called Him Lord, cried out: "Crucify Him!". Yet He stilled loved them. He loved the ones who murdered Him...and here I am holding a grudge against someone who was a little snooty with me today at work. Who am I to cast judgement and disdain to this person? We often times proclaim the excuse "I love people...but some people make it hard to love them". No, it's YOU who makes it hard to love them. Because if the love of Christ isn't in you, fully in you, then it will never be manifested to them. You can measure your love of God, by how much you love people. The ENTIRE book of the bible, the whole summary of the word of God is summed up in this one commandment: "Love God and love others". It doesn't say: "Love God, and love SOME". It calls for us to love everyone. Nothing mattered to Jesus. He didn't care... because He cared. Forgiving those who wronged you in the past is one of the biggest barriers we set ourselves up to not love other people. Reflecting on what Jesus did on the cross for everyone, even those who murdered Him, helps me realize that Jesus didn't die JUST for me, but everyone. The fact of the matter is I let my ego get in the way of God's will and command for my life. There is a song by Downhere that sums it up pretty well:

How many kings step down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become least for me?
And how many gods have poured out their hearts,
to romance a world that's torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

I can't let who I am get in the way of who God wants me to be, and I can't let my ego or selfishness hinder my love for other people, when there is a God in heaven who in enthralled with me and every other person on this planet that He made. A pastor and good friend of mine once told me "If people can't see Christ in or through you, then you're doing it wrong". I still have much to learn about the love of God, but the ultimate example of love is sacrifice. Love is giving, yet desires nothing in return. Glory to God's murdered Son, who paid for my crimes and opened up the gates of Heaven, so that I may not live in eternal darkness from my Creator. I hope that each day that goes by, God would grab hold of my heart and show me what it truly means to love as Christ did: without conditions or requirements. I may never be able to love in the same capacity as Jesus did, but I'm going to get as close as God will possibly allow me to.

Desert Moments

In our lives, we all experience some sort of conflict or struggle. We come to the place where we feel overwhelmed by the circumstances, and don't know exactly how things will turn out.When you think of the desert, what comes to mind? Well, it's a desolate, barren and unforgiving wild place that certainly will kill you if you're careless. It's big and dry. Nothing but a sea of sand, not to mention the animals that can kill you. Blistering hot during the day, and bone chillingly cold at night. Not exactly a place that I'd like to spend a weekend at. So, why the desert? In the bible, almost every single person that God called for a partnership with, went through a desert...and quite literally:
Moses fled to the desert for 40 years after killing an Egyptian
David fled to the desert to escape Saul
the apostle Paul was in the desert near Damascus for 7 years
Jesus was led by the spirit into the desert and was tempted by the devil

See the pattern? The desert keeps popping up.What's so special about the desert? To me, I believe that there are 2 reasons: One, So God can alone with the person so they can experience him personally. As John Elderidge once put it "You don't encounter the Living God at the mall". Two, because it becomes a testing and training ground for the person struggling. It's like basic training that God puts you through to prepare you for the task ahead of you. Take Moses for example, he killed an Egyptian slave worker after he saw him beating a Israelite. He fled to the desert and became a shepherd for 40 years, then he encounters the Lord. Why a shepherd? Well, what does a shepherd do? It leads a flock and keeps them together. Moses had to learn to have a shepherding heart before he could lead his people, who soon would become God's people, out of Egypt, out of slavery, and out of the influence of the false Egyptian gods. The desert was training ground for Jesus, and the ministry God was calling Him to, as was with the apostle Paul.

I say all this to finally come to the real reason why I am writing this blog. This past July, I experienced one of the biggest desert moments I ever faced, and I'm still facing it today. This past July my mother attempted to take her own life. She cut both of her wrists and slit her throat. I received a text from my dad while I was at work that only said "Get your aunt to take you, mom is in the hospital". My mom fell down the stairs earlier so I figured that was the reason why, so me and my aunt both get to the hospital only to see the look on my dad's face that I have not seen in a long time, and only once in my entire life when his brother died. He took one look at me and went out the door without saying a word. At that point my brother broke the news to me and my aunt that she tried to kill herself. I'll be honest, I lost it. I cried immediately. I was an emotional wreck. My mother had been diagnosed with clinical depression for over 10 years after she lost both parents in 1 years time. A million thoughts ran through my mind and I'll be completely transparent when I say that God was not once on my mind. In fact, the first person I called to find comfort from was my girlfriend, Zoe at the time. We went back to see her, laying in a bed on suicide watch. I saw the cuts on her wrists and throat. I couldn't look at her. I was crying so hard. I had to leave. My dad escorted me out, crying with me. In all my years I only seen my dad cry once, and that was at his brother's funeral. I fled to my proverbial desert. I tried to seek comfort at the house of my girlfriend. Not once did I cry out to God, in fact I didn't even think of Him. Fast forward a couple days. She got released from Emerald Coast Behavioral, and she was like a new woman I never met. She was smiling and giggling and...happy for once. She was the mother from my childhood. I was never close with my mother, a thing I regretted once I found out the news. After everything happened, I sought out my spiritual mentors for guidance and counseling, as I always do. Let me take a moment just to praise God for the people I am glad to call my mentor. Without them, I would truly be lost. Truly, it was a traumatic situation that left a wound on my heart, and while I am glad she wasn't successful, the pain is pretty overwhelming. My eyes were opened that day. I can now relate to those who may be experiencing the same thing. I have another testimony. My desert moments aren't over, but I know that God is equipping me for the ministry that He has called me to. Whatever desert moments you may be experiencing in your life, just stop for a moment and ask "What am I being prepared for?".
I leave you with this final thought, a thought that David had when he was in his desert moment:
"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You. " --Psalm 9:9-10

 

Defining The Line

Imagine a little boy around the age of 6 years old. Young and innocent, he goes into the bathroom and stumbles upon daddy's collection of porn magazines. The dad, to his shame, catches the boy looking at the images confused with a sight that he's never seen before. The dad immediately snatches the magazine away from the boy and tells him "This is not how you love a woman, son. This is smut and it's wrong". 

The little boy was me. 

I think at one point, almost every male has undergone an addiction to lust in some shape or form. Whether it be through pornography or just drooling over a scantily clad Victoria's Secret model, wondering what she would look like without the napkin barely covering her dirty parts. Men, by nature, are horny creatures. How this is happened, I don't know, but that's not the issue here. We have taken a very gift from God, and we have twisted it into something completely disgusting. Lust is one of the 4 weapons that the enemy uses against us.
Fear
Lust
Anger
PrideI'll never forget what my good friend Heath Taws once told me: "The enemy has the same old tricks, he just uses different mediums". The internet, television, etc. Media is the biggest source of pornography. In Ephesians chapter 5 it talks about "Adorn the amour of God, so you can protect yourself from the schemes of the enemy". Most folks focus on the amour of God, but I think it's the schemes we should focus on.
So how does lust start? Well, it starts with a wound. Lust is mostly associated with the wound of acceptance, wanting to be accepted and to be intimate. As such, there is a cycle that happens with masturbation and it goes like this:

Step 1: The trigger - something triggers the lust
Step 2: The action - you give into the temptation
Step 3: The guilt - you feel ashamed of what you did
Step 4: The regret - you regret doing it, and vow to never do it again...then the cycle repeats itself

God created sex for man and woman to be intimate. It is the very glue of a marriage. Now, let me stop for a moment and clarify something:
Sex is a action
Making love is spiritual

Sex is nothing more than 2 people coming together for a common purpose, but for self satisfaction. To put it into perspective, imagine 2 people robbing a bank. You don't rob a bank so that your partner gets all the loot, you team up so you can get your share, then you part ways. Same with 2 people having sex just for the rush and the feeling.
Making love is something entirely different. It's deep, passionate, shared and intimate. It is 2 people coming together for a common purpose, to enjoy each other as God intended us to do. God made women in His own image. Loving, nurturing, beautiful. All these characteristics reflect who God is. Man was created to be strong, courageous and daring. Men love adventure, risk and a challenge. Why else would we climb Mount Everest or jump out of an airplane? Sex, to the lustful man, is the challenge and the thrill that they seek. The instant pleasure. The acceptance they crave.

Let me draw a line: There is a difference between admiring beauty and lust.Women are beautiful and there's nothing wrong with recognizing that, but when you take her beauty from her for your own pleasure, then it becomes lust. You must learn to draw that line for yourself. Men all have a natural propensity to lust, but we also have the choice to break that propensity.

One of the most defining things for me that I've learned is that God gave us free will, which means He gave us the option to reject Him. Imagine that, the Creator of the heavens and the earth could have forced us to obey...but He didn't because He loves us that much. God doesn't cause any of us to sin, it is by our own choice. When Adam and Eve was in the Garden, God didn't force them to obey, he merely asked of them one thing: Don't eat the apple. One simple little act of obedience towards Him. He didn't force them, He gave them a choice to either obey, or reject. So we must get to the place where we must ask ourselves, will I obey God? OR do I fall into the scheme? Remember: You have the power of choice. 

 

 

Moments

How does one measure a day? Is it by seconds? Minutes? Hours? Or is it measured by something more? Something more than mere digits. Something timeless. I believe we all live for moments. Moments where time blurs out of focus and all recollection of it fades. Moments that get engraved into our hearts and minds forever. For me, it is the moments that take my breath away and truly bring out my entire self. These moments define me. Today, there was this woman at my church, now many people come and go and pass through and I give them the tradtional "Welcome to Northstar!" but there was something different about this woman. My eyes singled her out from the crowd. Now, she wasn't attractive to where this would be typical guy behavior, my eyes singled her out because I saw that she was hurt. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. She had a face that I've seen before, one that's seen it's fair share of pain, but a smile that put up the false guise that she was "okay". She had a broke foot, and was supported by crutches. I dropped everything in my hands to go to her, I felt compelled to help her. God's spirit led me to her. I held the door open and held all the items that she could not carry and helped her to a seat. As I walked away, she asked me for my name. I told her and left to go back to work. As the service started I sat in the back while she sat in the front, meanwhile the whole time her face was engraved into my mind. I felt a faint whisper telling me to go sit by her, so I did. We did not say anything during the service, but when Ray prayed the prayer to accept Christ as savior, I heard the sobs of a woman who was done hurting, who was done trying, who was just done. They were sobs and cries of surrender. When it was over, she told me that the message she just heard really hit home for her, and it had a huge impact on her heart. It was warming to hear those words. She then asked me if she could get a ride to the beach baptism being held at St. Andrews State Park at 5pm. I promptly told Ray who set up a ride for her. As I helped her to her car, she told me that she never experienced such kindness and tenderness from anyone, and told me how she broke her foot. She fell out of a 3 story balcony while drunk. She said the message spoke to her directly. Her life was a wreck and she wanted better. She then made the decision to get baptized in the name of Jesus. Before she drove away, I asked her what her name was, and she told me "Evette".

Evette, I just want you to know, that you are in my prayers, and also in my heart. My heart is overwhelmed that God has put that calling on your life and I am excited to see what He has in store for you. It is my fervent  prayer, that He dramatically changes your life to where You cannot deny Him, and it makes your past just a memory and all your sin is covered by the blood of the Savior, and you can look to the future with hope as a redeemed child of God. Evette, I live for people like you, and I thank God that I played a small role in His plans for you. I hope to see you again at Northstar one day, and I hope to stand by you as your brother in Christ.

To God be the glory forever.

Apart Of Me

It's awfully funny how we put on different masks in our lives to accommodate the situations or people that we're around. We like to hide the parts of ourselves that we feel may be "too extreme to handle" for public consumption. To quote A Few Good Men "You can't handle the truth!". We most often do this when talking to girls and on dates with people we barely know, I'm guilty of doing it. Sometimes a chick will say something that will stir my inner nerd to quote a really obscure Star Wars reference or compare it to something geeky that they probably never heard of in their reality tv watching lives. So now whenever I get the urge to yell out what my inner dork is saying, I have to stop myself and tell it "dude, shut up". Whenever I go on dates, it's almost as if I want to censor everything I say, lest I say something completely stupid to make her think I'm some kind of serial rapist or really lame guy. Mind you, I don't try to be somebody I'm not and pretend and lie, I just don't fully let her see the "whole" me. At least not just yet. It's a slow and gradual process. I've noticed that a lot of people do this, or even go so far as to be somebody that they're not, as if they really are a football playing astronaut surgeon that saved a bus full of orphans and kittens and volunteers at the Rescue Mission everyday. While I don't do that, I do try and keep myself "bottled in" for fear of judgement or criticism. We all want to impress our date, it's just human nature. However, I think we've taken it to an extreme of competition with ourselves. This insecurity in us makes us doubtful in the person that God has created us to be, or shaping us to become. When we can't even be honest with ourselves, then how in the world can we be honest with God? I read somewhere that we don't really mature, we just learn how to act in public. The pressure of the date can be a huge stress factor on anyone because it's almost as if we try and play to suit the likes and wants of the other person, rather than just letting each other find something that they like about each other. In every date, there is always the one person doing the majority of the work, I believe that 80% of the time, it's the guy, and I think it should be this way. Men are called by God to be the breadwinners, to be the leader of the household, to be the one his family looks to. He has the obligation to pay for everything because that's what chivalry is. I'm trying my best to prove that chivalry isn't dead. The horrible thing is though, at least for me and 99% of Christian God-fearing men is that society has twisted lies into truths, and truths into lies. You see, in today's world, especially prevalent in the teenage community, it is almost frowned upon to be a Christian. If you don't drink in today's world, you're a heathen. If you don't do drugs, you're a blasphemer. If you don't have sex, then you will be damned. These things make it hard for many of us to look for a partner, and while we should always rely on God to help us find one that suits us, dating can still be a dangerous thing. For many people out there have adopted the "half-way" doctrine of faith where "Oh I believe in God and I love Him, just not enough to do what he says and I'm going to do my own thing because I have problems with authority, control and daddy issues".

Getting back to the masks thing, I think we all to some extent do it. To impress new people into thinking more about you for that first impression. For that girl you just met and really like so you strut your feathers to try and lure her into your trap. It's a difficult thing to do, but we have to stop doing it and just let ourselves be who we are without fear of any ridicule. You are who you are because that's who God made you. Period. Be happy with who you are because we are all different and beautiful in our own way and that's what separates us from everyone else. The circumstances of your life and the experiences you've gone through have all played a part in shaping you into who you are now. Be free and learn to let go, and have a little fun living.

Life Giving

I had lunch today with one one of the greatest dudes I have ever met in my life, who not only one of my major influences in my life and mentor, but also a good friend whom I love like family. We strive to have lunch together as much as possible to catch up and talk about our lives and about God. We went to Ghengis Grill(amazing btw) and we talked about some things but then he said something truly profound. Life and God are all about wilderness. Think about this for a moment, Moses was lead for 40 years into the desert before God called him to lead his people out of Egypt. Jesus was lead by the spirit into the desert for 40 days to prepare for what the Father had called Him to do. the apostle Paul spent 7 years in the wilds of Damascus to prep for his mission. It's all about the desert. What that means for us is, when we are at our lowest point, when we come to the place of complete surrender, to where we feel like nothing else could get worse, that is where we hear and see God the most. You don't find God at the mall, or at Ray Ray's house, you find Him in a place of total seclusion, away from prying eyes and vibrating cell phones and Facebook.

In Israel, there is a tree known as the Acacia tree. It is truly a remarkable tree because it is literally in the middle of a dry and hot desert with no water in sight, but somehow manages to produce green foliage on its branches. To the shepards and people of the Old Testament, this tree was life. It gave shade during the day, it was food for the sheep and animals, it was wood for the fires. This tree was literally a life giving tree. One of the most beautiful pictures the bible paints can be found in psalm 1 or Jeremiah 17 where it basically says the same thing: "

Blessed is the one 
    who does not walk in step with the wicked 
or stand in the way that sinners take 
    or sit in the company of mockers, 
² but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, 
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, 
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

Now, the tree this passage talks about was the Acacia tree. You might be thinking "but it says it's planted by streams of water, but there are no streams in the desert?" That is because the roots of the Acacia tree are deeply rooted in the soil, so deep, that it finds water deep underground and that is how it bears fruit all year long. The same goes for us, when we are deeply rooted in God's word, no matter the storms or deserts we may go through, we can be life giving to those who are also in a desert. We can give shade to those who need it. This life that God has called us to is not always easy, but when we are rooted in truth, there is nothing that God cannot equip us to do. It is better to live a life fulfilled, then a life full of regret. I've gone through a lot of storms in my life, but I know that my God is greater, and I am called to something that I can't even begin to fathom. 

A Better Love Story Than Twilight

Isn't it curious how when you're single all you see is cute, adorable couples that taste what the other had for lunch in public and do cutesey little things for each other and laugh and look so perfect? When you just sit there like "yup...just gonna enjoy myself here...alone." It's those times where YOLO really stands for "You Only Live Ostracized. But when you're in a relationship, it's funny how all you see is single girls that are either cute, or girls that you wanted to date before, but now can't because you're caught in a current commitment. Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm not trying to say that girls are all-you-can-eat buffets that you just get you a little bit then move on to the next piece of meat down the line. I'm just saying before you date someone, the girl that you previously tried to get with, is suddenly single and you find out that she liked you all along. Today I aimlessly meandered around the mall, mostly to clear my head. Why I chose the mall, I'll never know because it's not exactly the best place for spiritual healing. I kept running into people that I went to high school with, most of them I tried to avoid eye contact with and act like I didn't see them...you might think that is rude but I just didn't feel like talking to a person I barely knew, reminiscing about things that I don't even miss when I could be staring at things that I can't even buy while pondering the greater mysteries in life such as "I wonder what would happen if they made a Star Wars 7?" But I digress...Getting out of a very serious and committed relationship has taught me that being alone sucks. Friends are cool, yeah, but having a person of the opposite sex that has a deeper understanding of who you really are and how you really feel about things gives you a sense of security and grounding that makes you feel safe. That makes you feel secure in who you are and that if something goes wrong, you know the first person you can go to because she knows how to make you feel better more than anyone. Women are amazing creatures. God has created them to be nurturing and caring and kindhearted souls that have a mothering side to them. Mind you, not every girl is in tune with this instinct, but that's what separates the girls from the women. I sat by this REALLY beautiful and fine chick today at church and it totally distracted me from worshiping. I don't know who you are mystery girl, but you are super fine...again, I digress. I guess what I'm trying to spit out of this totally desultory blog, is that being alone really allows you to focus on who you are and what you're doing. I've found that I have more time to focus on God and what I'm currently doing and where I'm going than just living for the moment. While I don't enjoy being alone, it has shown me that I'm not dependent on no one but God. It has shown me that I love my most recent ex very much..but I love God more. It's a tough thing when someone asks "Would you give up God for me?" I never was asked such a question in my life. Most of you would have immediately spat out "NO NEVER!". I'll be honest...I hesitated. But my answer was always no. My answer was God. It's a tough life that God has called me to, and to everyone called to ministry. You have to give up soo much. To give up the "normal" life. Normal is relative but the major consensus is "I believe in God, but not enough to go to church or follow His will or read His word or give up sex,drugs,alcohol and everything else". When one is called to ministry, you have to give up everything that our greedy little bodies desire. There are things that I cannot and will not do because of my faith...and I'm ok with that. I am perfectly content knowing that I am fulfilling God's will and purpose in my life, even if it costs me everything I know. I had to basically give up my first love because of it. I'll be honest, it's not easy following God sometimes. Circumstances arise that leave you wanting and questioning, but it is by faith alone that I keep moving. I'm happy with who I am and what I want. Life sucks sometimes but I don't let it get to me. There is always something bigger and better on the other side of anything. We as human beings have the natural tendency to want things, even if it's bad for us and we know it. Most folks are perfectly content with believing in a God, but half heartedly. There is no such thing as half-loving or half-believing in God. With God, it's all or nothing. You can't say "Yeah I love God" but go out and wake up in somebody's bed that you don't know, taking pills that you don't have a illness or prescription for, or drinking things that make you do stupid things. Moses didn't, Job didn't, David didn't, Abram didn't and Jesus CERTAINLY didn't. If Jesus even had to pray, then what makes us any better? Why shouldn't we as well? It's God or bust with me.

Who Are We?

I never want you to think that I have my life together. That I know exactly who I am and that I have my stuff straight. There has never been a moment in my life where I looked into the mirror and recognized who was staring back at me. Sure, I have a better idea than I did a couples years ago, but I find that it's in the life defining moments where I have to make a life changing choice that I lose my sense of identity. I'll be honest, I am who I say I am. Trying to keep up this image of what I want you to think of me was too exhausting, so I gave up a long time ago trying to keep the masks on. What you see is what you get and I can assure you that my Facebook page accurately describes who I really am. Everyone is so concerned about the meaning of life. I don't believe that it can be compartmentalized into one idea; I think that it is a individual synopsis that is defined by our experiences and individual purpose in life. My idea of the purpose of life may be different than yours, and I think that it's a beautiful thing. To have something that I can call my own, to be sure of something. We all make choices, big or small, everyday that define who we are and what we believe. My purpose is to serve the Creator that made me, and to spread His light everywhere and to everyone that wants to know Him. To change and influence lives into something better, to inspire and encourage hearts that were once broken. My whole capacity in life is to love. Not for selfish glory or even to be liked, it feels good yeah, but I would much rather be respected than liked. I want to love and be loved by everyone that I meet. I love the people that most cast out, I love the people who don't love, I love the person I haven't even met yet. I love the homeless man on the street, to the point where I want to show him that God and humanity hasn't forgotten about him. When people look at me, or hear my name, I want them to think of Jesus.

I also live for personal love. Intimacy. To be who I am to someone without fear of rejection or criticism. I am a hopeless romantic who often fantasizes about things that most guys don't. Don't get me wrong, I have a life outside of a relationship, but I constantly think of new ways to make my significant other happy, even at the cost of my own. I live for the moments most people would take for granted. To share every moment of life with another person. I live for the sappy crap that most couples find repetitive or superfluous. I live for the moments where I look into the eyes of the person I love the most in this world, and stare back with a reciprocated love. A love that is uncompromising and unconditional. A love that's seen pain but has been set free. To see a smile that I know that I put there. These things define me. I'm not perfect, nor do I ever claim to be, but I try to be the best me that God has intended for me to be, and the best that I can possibly strive for. I don't live for the approval of others, it's too exhausting, but I do live to be known as one with no negative tags that have been placed by my mistakes and my mistakes are many. Life to me isn't about who you were or what you've done, but about who you are now and what you're going to do. Like I said, I haven't figured everything out yet, but I take my life one day at a time.

A Kick In The Teeth

You know sometimes, when things are hardest for us to deal with, we try to hide and cloud our judgement behind rationalizations and justifications that ultimately make us loose all common sense and clear thinking on the matter, therefore creating our own realities that we would like to believe and so we do so we can cope with our problems, rather than just looking at the naked truth square in the face. It's a horrible situation to be in, when we lie to ourselves and trick us into thinking about maybes and "what-if's". It's like the rebellious teenage boy that the parents always try to pass off as "just a phase" rather than give the lashing that he deserves. The mind has a funny way of tricking our own conscious to the point of complete denial. How do I know? Personal and recent experience my friend. Luckily, God shook me and told me to wake up and see things for how they are, rather than how I would like them to be. One of my beloved mentors whom I consider like a second father to me, who I can always rely on to kick me in the teeth with some honest yet painful truth, showed me how things really are. I always tried to play off my problems as if they weren't my fault, and the world was just out to get me. That's dangerous thinking, as that can lead to a narcissistic and selfish point of view. He showed me that I am where I am because God put me there for a reason, and will keep me there as long as He decides to to keep me there. I was looking for a way out rather than a way to make the most of where I was. A sort of Macguyver approach if you will. It was a humbling experience for sure. My mentor also asked me "What kind of car do you want to be?" After giving him a blank look of total disbelief that he would ask such a strange metaphor, I finally told him my answer. I told him I wanted to be my 2005 Toyota Camry. Simple. Humble. Gets from point A to point B. Nothing too flashy, but nice enough to get the job done. To which he said this: "If you want to live like a Camry than do it, but if you want to live like a 600 horsepower Ferrari, than you better have 600 horsepower under the hood instead of running like a stock pinto". Enough of the car references. In essence, he basically said that you need to live according to the lifestyle that you have chosen, rather than looking for something that you're not. Trusting God lately has been the hardest because at times I don't always understand my circumstances or even know where He's leading me. Blind faith is the hardest faith to keep. God has granted me a peace and understanding that transcends any understanding, even when I'm at my breaking point and on my knees, that is where I experience Him the most. When it seems like I have nothing left, God shows me that I have everything in Him. In truth, I don't know if my circumstances will ever improve, but I know that in the end I will be ok, and that God is with me and that is enough for me.

Giving From the Heart

I'm the kind of person that will look for opportunities to give, even when I myself don't have the means to provide sufficiently for myself. I've been like that ever since I was a kid. God gave me the opportunity to give a whole heck of a lot this past week. I am what you might call a "avid Goodwill giver type dude". In fact, I like to go on what I like to humorously call "Goodwill Hunting". (I know you love the pun, came up with it just now and I feel proud of myself) Anyways, I give quite a bit to Goodwill. I cleared out my closet last month and gave half a box of clothes that I had to say my farewells to as most of them were from when I went to Kindergarten (I haven't grown much since then, just put on a few pounds). So I either outgrew them in size, or outgrew my general interest in them by saying "Good Lord, what was I thinking when I bought this??". I work at the Public Defender's Office, which is basically the po' man's law office for when folks get into trouble and can't afford themselves a fancy expensive "real lawyer" as they call so lovingly coined them.Working in a law office I have to be dressed in Sunday best up until casual Friday, which is my personal favorite day of the week, and not because we have a weekend to look forward to. (Thanks Rebecca Black). I only own 2 dress shirts, black and white. Not very exciting is it? Especially when I sweat in this damnable Florida Hell heat in a shirt and tie, which I think is made from the hairs of polar bears on their menstrual cycles. I digress. With only 2 dress shirts available to me, that mean I have 2 days to be dressed in something different so that people don't go "ewww he totally wore that yesterday!" Because that's the kind of people I work with, they do it to our IT guy...I've seen them do it. So I was in dire need of some dress shirts, so the Good Lord provided, as He always does. One of the attorneys that I work with, who happens to dress the best in the whole office, decided that he was going to clear his closet and give me, and I quote "A couple shirts that don't fit me". I was like ok, sure, cool. Little did I know the adventure I was about to embark on. He leads me to his car where there were 5 very large hefty trash bags FILLED with stuff. I mean, shirts, pants, shoes. This dude gave me the full monty.  Long story short, I found 30 dress shirts that fit me, and donated the rest to Goodwill. God had blessed me with a lot, and instead of keeping all of it, I gave some back. I think that is indicative of our lives. God will bless us with something extraordinary, and we honor that by giving some of it back. I think it was a test from God to see how humble I was, and to see if I could be trusted not to be greedy. It taught me a lot about God's character and about giving from the heart. I was thankful to Him that He would provide the opportunity to be able to give such a large amount to those who barely have anything. All in a day's work.  

Finding The Balance

Christian teens today are suffering from a type of depression that, although not a true medical disease, it still takes its toll on their mental and emotional lives. It is a battle like I like to call "Christian Equilibrium". It's basically the idea of determining how Christ-like to be toward secular and non-secular friends. It's like when trying to find the perfect temperature in the shower between boiling lava hot or blistering blizzard cold. We all know that the little sliver of perfection is hard to obtain in the first place, and thus will compromise with a lukewarm temperature. It is the common fear of being outcast whenever they bring up the "J" or "G" word. The common pathological misconception is as follows: "Well, if I act TOO Christian, everyone will think I'm goody goody and will think that I think I'm better than them, but if I'm not Christian enough, they will think 'is THAT how a Christian is supposed to act?' and judge my every move and not want to follow Jesus". So they're at a catch 22 here. (Btw I never understood why it's called a catch 22?) Dealing with it alone can be very dangerous, as many will get frustrated and lose their faith altogether, or many will just lose their minds trying to find that perfect Christian shower temperature equilibrium that's just right. How does one solve the mystery of finding that perfect shower temperature Goldilocks porridge/chair/bed perfection? Well fear not kiddies, I think I may have found a plan. Let me first disclose that this is not THE only way to hack it, but it is nonetheless, worth a shot.

Step 1: Reevaluate what you believe, and prioritize your...well priorities.
So what DO you believe? That Jesus died on the cross for your sins. That He is your Lord and Savior. That He rose again on the third day. That God comes in 3 forms. Good. That pretty much sums it up right? Well...no it doesn't. Ok, what else? Matthew 28:19 says:
Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. 
Encouraging right? Especially that last part. But does THAT sum everything up for you? Not really. Just kind of a vague command right? The above Scripture is known as the great commission, and basically it tells all followers of Jesus "Hey, forget who you are, what you have, who you know and why you have it, drop everything and go find people who do not know Jesus and TEACH them to obey, even if it makes you uncomfortable or even kills you. Who cares what they think?". A little scary am I right? Many teens don't like the idea of dying, and even more teens dislike the fact of leaving their Xbox or their girlfriend that they just met and fell in love with a week ago behind (I'll admit, it's hard for me to put Skyrim down for 5 minutes). Let's look at what Jesus said about it, Luke 9:23 says:
Then He said to them all: "If ANYONE would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me". 
Yup. Pretty specific. Jesus once again challenges us to deny ourselves, which basically forces us to prioritize what we consider important in our lives. So really think about what is important to you, and what you believe. Acts 1:8 says
But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria , and to the ends of the Earth.

Step 2: Read your Bible and see how Jesus dealt with things.
Who better to teach us about who Jesus is than Jesus Himself? Teens today struggle with the fear of being judged, ridiculed, harassed, outcast and being called a hypocrite, but Jesus went through the same thing. The only difference was He wasn't afraid because He knew what was important to Him, and that was doing God's will. Back then, the Pharisees HATED Jesus because He basically told them that everything that they had believed and practiced through religion was wrong, and He gave His own twist to their culture. Jesus broke some of the laws that the Pharisees thought was the most sacred. Jesus ate on the Sabbath, didn't wash His hands before He ate and so much more. He healed the blind, sick and lame, casted out demons. He kept calling Himself the Messiah, which they didn't believe Him because they weren't doing what they expected Him to do. See, the prophesy basically called for a Savior who would unite all the kingdoms of Israel together through force, it called for a militaristic king, but Jesus came as a humble servant. At that time, they did not know He was the Son of God. So basically, they didn't quite get along too well. But Jesus still treated them with love. Matthew 5: 43 says:
You have heard that it was said 'love neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you. 
I know that after you read this verse that you immediately thought of someone you totally do not like right now, and that's ok. It is a hard concept to love one's enemy, especially if that said enemy had been talking that smack behind your back. Ever heard the phrase "kill them with kindness?" Well that's where that comes in. We are all called to love as Jesus did, as God the Father did. Think about it, if God hated us, he wouldn't have sacrificed His only son to die for our sins so that we may live with Him for all eternity. So what good does it for us to hate people just because they hurt us? And if you don't forgive those who do you wrong, neither will God forgive you. It says that clearly in the bible. It's hard for us to forgive because when our pride is broken, we take it personally. We care soo much about our self worth and image, that we often will shun others who dare to compromise it. We think we are better than we are. If you cannot forgive someone who you consider to be your enemy, it is because you do not fully understand the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on the cross at Calvary, and the sacrifice that was made. My advice? Read the Gospels and look to the cross until you have enough forgiveness to forgive others. Basically, "Forgiven people, forgive people".  Back then, the Jews and the Samaritans did NOT get along too well. In fact, it was considered taboo just to get a drink of water from them (which Jesus did btw).
But notice how it said "and in all Judea AND Samaria, and to the ends of the Earth." He didn't say and all Judea, but skip Samaria because they hurt your feelings. Jesus calls us to love those who do not love us first. So if you bring up Jesus, do it proudly, if they criticize you, oh well. Love them anyways. The best way to win is to not even fight at all. So if you ever think that you are alone in this, you're not. Jesus was put on a cross and died because of what He believed and did. He didn't do anything wrong, He was innocent. Jesus said this:
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first". -John 15:18. 


Step 3: Find a buddy!
The buddy system is very important when dealing with Christian Equilibrium because it is so easy to forget who we are in Christ when surrounded by those who do not know Him. Ray Vanderlaan says the the 3 most important things in Christianity are:
Scripture
Discipleship (Talmidim in Hebrew)
and Community.
Community meaning fellowship with fellow followers of Jesus. That is why many churches stress so much on youth small groups. While many think it is boring, it is actually a great way to be reflected by who you are by seeing others being who they are in Jesus. An accountability buddy is basically a person who you trust to step in when you're off course and say "Hey man I don't think that what you're doing is right". We need people like that when we forget what is important and we forget what we're doing. This can lead to a stage where we rationalize our sins by saying "oh well one more time won't hurt" or "it'll be fine, no one will know I'm not hurting anybody". Oh but you are my friend, you're hurting yourself. So find yourself someone you can trust in your school who is a follower of Jesus, and basically allow them to conk you on the head if you get out of line.

You're probably thinking how do I know all this? Well, personal experience can be the best teacher, if not the most dangerous. I actually got this epiphany about 30 minutes ago in the shower, and hastily typed this up so I wouldn't forget. I'm 18, fresh out of high school about to start college with a small idea of what I want to do in life. If you've gotten this far into my ranting then I salute you, sir. It is my prayer today that you teens out there in middle and high school don't forget about who you are and what you believe. The school may put a censor on Jesus, but that doesn't mean you should too because you're afraid what others may think of you. It's like a wise man once told me:
"Nobody cares about how much you know, until they know how much you care".

God Bless and I hope you have a wonderful afternoon.
               
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