Who Are We?

I never want you to think that I have my life together. That I know exactly who I am and that I have my stuff straight. There has never been a moment in my life where I looked into the mirror and recognized who was staring back at me. Sure, I have a better idea than I did a couples years ago, but I find that it's in the life defining moments where I have to make a life changing choice that I lose my sense of identity. I'll be honest, I am who I say I am. Trying to keep up this image of what I want you to think of me was too exhausting, so I gave up a long time ago trying to keep the masks on. What you see is what you get and I can assure you that my Facebook page accurately describes who I really am. Everyone is so concerned about the meaning of life. I don't believe that it can be compartmentalized into one idea; I think that it is a individual synopsis that is defined by our experiences and individual purpose in life. My idea of the purpose of life may be different than yours, and I think that it's a beautiful thing. To have something that I can call my own, to be sure of something. We all make choices, big or small, everyday that define who we are and what we believe. My purpose is to serve the Creator that made me, and to spread His light everywhere and to everyone that wants to know Him. To change and influence lives into something better, to inspire and encourage hearts that were once broken. My whole capacity in life is to love. Not for selfish glory or even to be liked, it feels good yeah, but I would much rather be respected than liked. I want to love and be loved by everyone that I meet. I love the people that most cast out, I love the people who don't love, I love the person I haven't even met yet. I love the homeless man on the street, to the point where I want to show him that God and humanity hasn't forgotten about him. When people look at me, or hear my name, I want them to think of Jesus.

I also live for personal love. Intimacy. To be who I am to someone without fear of rejection or criticism. I am a hopeless romantic who often fantasizes about things that most guys don't. Don't get me wrong, I have a life outside of a relationship, but I constantly think of new ways to make my significant other happy, even at the cost of my own. I live for the moments most people would take for granted. To share every moment of life with another person. I live for the sappy crap that most couples find repetitive or superfluous. I live for the moments where I look into the eyes of the person I love the most in this world, and stare back with a reciprocated love. A love that is uncompromising and unconditional. A love that's seen pain but has been set free. To see a smile that I know that I put there. These things define me. I'm not perfect, nor do I ever claim to be, but I try to be the best me that God has intended for me to be, and the best that I can possibly strive for. I don't live for the approval of others, it's too exhausting, but I do live to be known as one with no negative tags that have been placed by my mistakes and my mistakes are many. Life to me isn't about who you were or what you've done, but about who you are now and what you're going to do. Like I said, I haven't figured everything out yet, but I take my life one day at a time.

A Kick In The Teeth

You know sometimes, when things are hardest for us to deal with, we try to hide and cloud our judgement behind rationalizations and justifications that ultimately make us loose all common sense and clear thinking on the matter, therefore creating our own realities that we would like to believe and so we do so we can cope with our problems, rather than just looking at the naked truth square in the face. It's a horrible situation to be in, when we lie to ourselves and trick us into thinking about maybes and "what-if's". It's like the rebellious teenage boy that the parents always try to pass off as "just a phase" rather than give the lashing that he deserves. The mind has a funny way of tricking our own conscious to the point of complete denial. How do I know? Personal and recent experience my friend. Luckily, God shook me and told me to wake up and see things for how they are, rather than how I would like them to be. One of my beloved mentors whom I consider like a second father to me, who I can always rely on to kick me in the teeth with some honest yet painful truth, showed me how things really are. I always tried to play off my problems as if they weren't my fault, and the world was just out to get me. That's dangerous thinking, as that can lead to a narcissistic and selfish point of view. He showed me that I am where I am because God put me there for a reason, and will keep me there as long as He decides to to keep me there. I was looking for a way out rather than a way to make the most of where I was. A sort of Macguyver approach if you will. It was a humbling experience for sure. My mentor also asked me "What kind of car do you want to be?" After giving him a blank look of total disbelief that he would ask such a strange metaphor, I finally told him my answer. I told him I wanted to be my 2005 Toyota Camry. Simple. Humble. Gets from point A to point B. Nothing too flashy, but nice enough to get the job done. To which he said this: "If you want to live like a Camry than do it, but if you want to live like a 600 horsepower Ferrari, than you better have 600 horsepower under the hood instead of running like a stock pinto". Enough of the car references. In essence, he basically said that you need to live according to the lifestyle that you have chosen, rather than looking for something that you're not. Trusting God lately has been the hardest because at times I don't always understand my circumstances or even know where He's leading me. Blind faith is the hardest faith to keep. God has granted me a peace and understanding that transcends any understanding, even when I'm at my breaking point and on my knees, that is where I experience Him the most. When it seems like I have nothing left, God shows me that I have everything in Him. In truth, I don't know if my circumstances will ever improve, but I know that in the end I will be ok, and that God is with me and that is enough for me.

Giving From the Heart

I'm the kind of person that will look for opportunities to give, even when I myself don't have the means to provide sufficiently for myself. I've been like that ever since I was a kid. God gave me the opportunity to give a whole heck of a lot this past week. I am what you might call a "avid Goodwill giver type dude". In fact, I like to go on what I like to humorously call "Goodwill Hunting". (I know you love the pun, came up with it just now and I feel proud of myself) Anyways, I give quite a bit to Goodwill. I cleared out my closet last month and gave half a box of clothes that I had to say my farewells to as most of them were from when I went to Kindergarten (I haven't grown much since then, just put on a few pounds). So I either outgrew them in size, or outgrew my general interest in them by saying "Good Lord, what was I thinking when I bought this??". I work at the Public Defender's Office, which is basically the po' man's law office for when folks get into trouble and can't afford themselves a fancy expensive "real lawyer" as they call so lovingly coined them.Working in a law office I have to be dressed in Sunday best up until casual Friday, which is my personal favorite day of the week, and not because we have a weekend to look forward to. (Thanks Rebecca Black). I only own 2 dress shirts, black and white. Not very exciting is it? Especially when I sweat in this damnable Florida Hell heat in a shirt and tie, which I think is made from the hairs of polar bears on their menstrual cycles. I digress. With only 2 dress shirts available to me, that mean I have 2 days to be dressed in something different so that people don't go "ewww he totally wore that yesterday!" Because that's the kind of people I work with, they do it to our IT guy...I've seen them do it. So I was in dire need of some dress shirts, so the Good Lord provided, as He always does. One of the attorneys that I work with, who happens to dress the best in the whole office, decided that he was going to clear his closet and give me, and I quote "A couple shirts that don't fit me". I was like ok, sure, cool. Little did I know the adventure I was about to embark on. He leads me to his car where there were 5 very large hefty trash bags FILLED with stuff. I mean, shirts, pants, shoes. This dude gave me the full monty.  Long story short, I found 30 dress shirts that fit me, and donated the rest to Goodwill. God had blessed me with a lot, and instead of keeping all of it, I gave some back. I think that is indicative of our lives. God will bless us with something extraordinary, and we honor that by giving some of it back. I think it was a test from God to see how humble I was, and to see if I could be trusted not to be greedy. It taught me a lot about God's character and about giving from the heart. I was thankful to Him that He would provide the opportunity to be able to give such a large amount to those who barely have anything. All in a day's work.