Desert Moments

In our lives, we all experience some sort of conflict or struggle. We come to the place where we feel overwhelmed by the circumstances, and don't know exactly how things will turn out.When you think of the desert, what comes to mind? Well, it's a desolate, barren and unforgiving wild place that certainly will kill you if you're careless. It's big and dry. Nothing but a sea of sand, not to mention the animals that can kill you. Blistering hot during the day, and bone chillingly cold at night. Not exactly a place that I'd like to spend a weekend at. So, why the desert? In the bible, almost every single person that God called for a partnership with, went through a desert...and quite literally:
Moses fled to the desert for 40 years after killing an Egyptian
David fled to the desert to escape Saul
the apostle Paul was in the desert near Damascus for 7 years
Jesus was led by the spirit into the desert and was tempted by the devil

See the pattern? The desert keeps popping up.What's so special about the desert? To me, I believe that there are 2 reasons: One, So God can alone with the person so they can experience him personally. As John Elderidge once put it "You don't encounter the Living God at the mall". Two, because it becomes a testing and training ground for the person struggling. It's like basic training that God puts you through to prepare you for the task ahead of you. Take Moses for example, he killed an Egyptian slave worker after he saw him beating a Israelite. He fled to the desert and became a shepherd for 40 years, then he encounters the Lord. Why a shepherd? Well, what does a shepherd do? It leads a flock and keeps them together. Moses had to learn to have a shepherding heart before he could lead his people, who soon would become God's people, out of Egypt, out of slavery, and out of the influence of the false Egyptian gods. The desert was training ground for Jesus, and the ministry God was calling Him to, as was with the apostle Paul.

I say all this to finally come to the real reason why I am writing this blog. This past July, I experienced one of the biggest desert moments I ever faced, and I'm still facing it today. This past July my mother attempted to take her own life. She cut both of her wrists and slit her throat. I received a text from my dad while I was at work that only said "Get your aunt to take you, mom is in the hospital". My mom fell down the stairs earlier so I figured that was the reason why, so me and my aunt both get to the hospital only to see the look on my dad's face that I have not seen in a long time, and only once in my entire life when his brother died. He took one look at me and went out the door without saying a word. At that point my brother broke the news to me and my aunt that she tried to kill herself. I'll be honest, I lost it. I cried immediately. I was an emotional wreck. My mother had been diagnosed with clinical depression for over 10 years after she lost both parents in 1 years time. A million thoughts ran through my mind and I'll be completely transparent when I say that God was not once on my mind. In fact, the first person I called to find comfort from was my girlfriend, Zoe at the time. We went back to see her, laying in a bed on suicide watch. I saw the cuts on her wrists and throat. I couldn't look at her. I was crying so hard. I had to leave. My dad escorted me out, crying with me. In all my years I only seen my dad cry once, and that was at his brother's funeral. I fled to my proverbial desert. I tried to seek comfort at the house of my girlfriend. Not once did I cry out to God, in fact I didn't even think of Him. Fast forward a couple days. She got released from Emerald Coast Behavioral, and she was like a new woman I never met. She was smiling and giggling and...happy for once. She was the mother from my childhood. I was never close with my mother, a thing I regretted once I found out the news. After everything happened, I sought out my spiritual mentors for guidance and counseling, as I always do. Let me take a moment just to praise God for the people I am glad to call my mentor. Without them, I would truly be lost. Truly, it was a traumatic situation that left a wound on my heart, and while I am glad she wasn't successful, the pain is pretty overwhelming. My eyes were opened that day. I can now relate to those who may be experiencing the same thing. I have another testimony. My desert moments aren't over, but I know that God is equipping me for the ministry that He has called me to. Whatever desert moments you may be experiencing in your life, just stop for a moment and ask "What am I being prepared for?".
I leave you with this final thought, a thought that David had when he was in his desert moment:
"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You. " --Psalm 9:9-10

 

Defining The Line

Imagine a little boy around the age of 6 years old. Young and innocent, he goes into the bathroom and stumbles upon daddy's collection of porn magazines. The dad, to his shame, catches the boy looking at the images confused with a sight that he's never seen before. The dad immediately snatches the magazine away from the boy and tells him "This is not how you love a woman, son. This is smut and it's wrong". 

The little boy was me. 

I think at one point, almost every male has undergone an addiction to lust in some shape or form. Whether it be through pornography or just drooling over a scantily clad Victoria's Secret model, wondering what she would look like without the napkin barely covering her dirty parts. Men, by nature, are horny creatures. How this is happened, I don't know, but that's not the issue here. We have taken a very gift from God, and we have twisted it into something completely disgusting. Lust is one of the 4 weapons that the enemy uses against us.
Fear
Lust
Anger
PrideI'll never forget what my good friend Heath Taws once told me: "The enemy has the same old tricks, he just uses different mediums". The internet, television, etc. Media is the biggest source of pornography. In Ephesians chapter 5 it talks about "Adorn the amour of God, so you can protect yourself from the schemes of the enemy". Most folks focus on the amour of God, but I think it's the schemes we should focus on.
So how does lust start? Well, it starts with a wound. Lust is mostly associated with the wound of acceptance, wanting to be accepted and to be intimate. As such, there is a cycle that happens with masturbation and it goes like this:

Step 1: The trigger - something triggers the lust
Step 2: The action - you give into the temptation
Step 3: The guilt - you feel ashamed of what you did
Step 4: The regret - you regret doing it, and vow to never do it again...then the cycle repeats itself

God created sex for man and woman to be intimate. It is the very glue of a marriage. Now, let me stop for a moment and clarify something:
Sex is a action
Making love is spiritual

Sex is nothing more than 2 people coming together for a common purpose, but for self satisfaction. To put it into perspective, imagine 2 people robbing a bank. You don't rob a bank so that your partner gets all the loot, you team up so you can get your share, then you part ways. Same with 2 people having sex just for the rush and the feeling.
Making love is something entirely different. It's deep, passionate, shared and intimate. It is 2 people coming together for a common purpose, to enjoy each other as God intended us to do. God made women in His own image. Loving, nurturing, beautiful. All these characteristics reflect who God is. Man was created to be strong, courageous and daring. Men love adventure, risk and a challenge. Why else would we climb Mount Everest or jump out of an airplane? Sex, to the lustful man, is the challenge and the thrill that they seek. The instant pleasure. The acceptance they crave.

Let me draw a line: There is a difference between admiring beauty and lust.Women are beautiful and there's nothing wrong with recognizing that, but when you take her beauty from her for your own pleasure, then it becomes lust. You must learn to draw that line for yourself. Men all have a natural propensity to lust, but we also have the choice to break that propensity.

One of the most defining things for me that I've learned is that God gave us free will, which means He gave us the option to reject Him. Imagine that, the Creator of the heavens and the earth could have forced us to obey...but He didn't because He loves us that much. God doesn't cause any of us to sin, it is by our own choice. When Adam and Eve was in the Garden, God didn't force them to obey, he merely asked of them one thing: Don't eat the apple. One simple little act of obedience towards Him. He didn't force them, He gave them a choice to either obey, or reject. So we must get to the place where we must ask ourselves, will I obey God? OR do I fall into the scheme? Remember: You have the power of choice. 

 

 

Moments

How does one measure a day? Is it by seconds? Minutes? Hours? Or is it measured by something more? Something more than mere digits. Something timeless. I believe we all live for moments. Moments where time blurs out of focus and all recollection of it fades. Moments that get engraved into our hearts and minds forever. For me, it is the moments that take my breath away and truly bring out my entire self. These moments define me. Today, there was this woman at my church, now many people come and go and pass through and I give them the tradtional "Welcome to Northstar!" but there was something different about this woman. My eyes singled her out from the crowd. Now, she wasn't attractive to where this would be typical guy behavior, my eyes singled her out because I saw that she was hurt. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. She had a face that I've seen before, one that's seen it's fair share of pain, but a smile that put up the false guise that she was "okay". She had a broke foot, and was supported by crutches. I dropped everything in my hands to go to her, I felt compelled to help her. God's spirit led me to her. I held the door open and held all the items that she could not carry and helped her to a seat. As I walked away, she asked me for my name. I told her and left to go back to work. As the service started I sat in the back while she sat in the front, meanwhile the whole time her face was engraved into my mind. I felt a faint whisper telling me to go sit by her, so I did. We did not say anything during the service, but when Ray prayed the prayer to accept Christ as savior, I heard the sobs of a woman who was done hurting, who was done trying, who was just done. They were sobs and cries of surrender. When it was over, she told me that the message she just heard really hit home for her, and it had a huge impact on her heart. It was warming to hear those words. She then asked me if she could get a ride to the beach baptism being held at St. Andrews State Park at 5pm. I promptly told Ray who set up a ride for her. As I helped her to her car, she told me that she never experienced such kindness and tenderness from anyone, and told me how she broke her foot. She fell out of a 3 story balcony while drunk. She said the message spoke to her directly. Her life was a wreck and she wanted better. She then made the decision to get baptized in the name of Jesus. Before she drove away, I asked her what her name was, and she told me "Evette".

Evette, I just want you to know, that you are in my prayers, and also in my heart. My heart is overwhelmed that God has put that calling on your life and I am excited to see what He has in store for you. It is my fervent  prayer, that He dramatically changes your life to where You cannot deny Him, and it makes your past just a memory and all your sin is covered by the blood of the Savior, and you can look to the future with hope as a redeemed child of God. Evette, I live for people like you, and I thank God that I played a small role in His plans for you. I hope to see you again at Northstar one day, and I hope to stand by you as your brother in Christ.

To God be the glory forever.

Apart Of Me

It's awfully funny how we put on different masks in our lives to accommodate the situations or people that we're around. We like to hide the parts of ourselves that we feel may be "too extreme to handle" for public consumption. To quote A Few Good Men "You can't handle the truth!". We most often do this when talking to girls and on dates with people we barely know, I'm guilty of doing it. Sometimes a chick will say something that will stir my inner nerd to quote a really obscure Star Wars reference or compare it to something geeky that they probably never heard of in their reality tv watching lives. So now whenever I get the urge to yell out what my inner dork is saying, I have to stop myself and tell it "dude, shut up". Whenever I go on dates, it's almost as if I want to censor everything I say, lest I say something completely stupid to make her think I'm some kind of serial rapist or really lame guy. Mind you, I don't try to be somebody I'm not and pretend and lie, I just don't fully let her see the "whole" me. At least not just yet. It's a slow and gradual process. I've noticed that a lot of people do this, or even go so far as to be somebody that they're not, as if they really are a football playing astronaut surgeon that saved a bus full of orphans and kittens and volunteers at the Rescue Mission everyday. While I don't do that, I do try and keep myself "bottled in" for fear of judgement or criticism. We all want to impress our date, it's just human nature. However, I think we've taken it to an extreme of competition with ourselves. This insecurity in us makes us doubtful in the person that God has created us to be, or shaping us to become. When we can't even be honest with ourselves, then how in the world can we be honest with God? I read somewhere that we don't really mature, we just learn how to act in public. The pressure of the date can be a huge stress factor on anyone because it's almost as if we try and play to suit the likes and wants of the other person, rather than just letting each other find something that they like about each other. In every date, there is always the one person doing the majority of the work, I believe that 80% of the time, it's the guy, and I think it should be this way. Men are called by God to be the breadwinners, to be the leader of the household, to be the one his family looks to. He has the obligation to pay for everything because that's what chivalry is. I'm trying my best to prove that chivalry isn't dead. The horrible thing is though, at least for me and 99% of Christian God-fearing men is that society has twisted lies into truths, and truths into lies. You see, in today's world, especially prevalent in the teenage community, it is almost frowned upon to be a Christian. If you don't drink in today's world, you're a heathen. If you don't do drugs, you're a blasphemer. If you don't have sex, then you will be damned. These things make it hard for many of us to look for a partner, and while we should always rely on God to help us find one that suits us, dating can still be a dangerous thing. For many people out there have adopted the "half-way" doctrine of faith where "Oh I believe in God and I love Him, just not enough to do what he says and I'm going to do my own thing because I have problems with authority, control and daddy issues".

Getting back to the masks thing, I think we all to some extent do it. To impress new people into thinking more about you for that first impression. For that girl you just met and really like so you strut your feathers to try and lure her into your trap. It's a difficult thing to do, but we have to stop doing it and just let ourselves be who we are without fear of any ridicule. You are who you are because that's who God made you. Period. Be happy with who you are because we are all different and beautiful in our own way and that's what separates us from everyone else. The circumstances of your life and the experiences you've gone through have all played a part in shaping you into who you are now. Be free and learn to let go, and have a little fun living.

Life Giving

I had lunch today with one one of the greatest dudes I have ever met in my life, who not only one of my major influences in my life and mentor, but also a good friend whom I love like family. We strive to have lunch together as much as possible to catch up and talk about our lives and about God. We went to Ghengis Grill(amazing btw) and we talked about some things but then he said something truly profound. Life and God are all about wilderness. Think about this for a moment, Moses was lead for 40 years into the desert before God called him to lead his people out of Egypt. Jesus was lead by the spirit into the desert for 40 days to prepare for what the Father had called Him to do. the apostle Paul spent 7 years in the wilds of Damascus to prep for his mission. It's all about the desert. What that means for us is, when we are at our lowest point, when we come to the place of complete surrender, to where we feel like nothing else could get worse, that is where we hear and see God the most. You don't find God at the mall, or at Ray Ray's house, you find Him in a place of total seclusion, away from prying eyes and vibrating cell phones and Facebook.

In Israel, there is a tree known as the Acacia tree. It is truly a remarkable tree because it is literally in the middle of a dry and hot desert with no water in sight, but somehow manages to produce green foliage on its branches. To the shepards and people of the Old Testament, this tree was life. It gave shade during the day, it was food for the sheep and animals, it was wood for the fires. This tree was literally a life giving tree. One of the most beautiful pictures the bible paints can be found in psalm 1 or Jeremiah 17 where it basically says the same thing: "

Blessed is the one 
    who does not walk in step with the wicked 
or stand in the way that sinners take 
    or sit in the company of mockers, 
² but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, 
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, 
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

Now, the tree this passage talks about was the Acacia tree. You might be thinking "but it says it's planted by streams of water, but there are no streams in the desert?" That is because the roots of the Acacia tree are deeply rooted in the soil, so deep, that it finds water deep underground and that is how it bears fruit all year long. The same goes for us, when we are deeply rooted in God's word, no matter the storms or deserts we may go through, we can be life giving to those who are also in a desert. We can give shade to those who need it. This life that God has called us to is not always easy, but when we are rooted in truth, there is nothing that God cannot equip us to do. It is better to live a life fulfilled, then a life full of regret. I've gone through a lot of storms in my life, but I know that my God is greater, and I am called to something that I can't even begin to fathom. 

A Better Love Story Than Twilight

Isn't it curious how when you're single all you see is cute, adorable couples that taste what the other had for lunch in public and do cutesey little things for each other and laugh and look so perfect? When you just sit there like "yup...just gonna enjoy myself here...alone." It's those times where YOLO really stands for "You Only Live Ostracized. But when you're in a relationship, it's funny how all you see is single girls that are either cute, or girls that you wanted to date before, but now can't because you're caught in a current commitment. Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm not trying to say that girls are all-you-can-eat buffets that you just get you a little bit then move on to the next piece of meat down the line. I'm just saying before you date someone, the girl that you previously tried to get with, is suddenly single and you find out that she liked you all along. Today I aimlessly meandered around the mall, mostly to clear my head. Why I chose the mall, I'll never know because it's not exactly the best place for spiritual healing. I kept running into people that I went to high school with, most of them I tried to avoid eye contact with and act like I didn't see them...you might think that is rude but I just didn't feel like talking to a person I barely knew, reminiscing about things that I don't even miss when I could be staring at things that I can't even buy while pondering the greater mysteries in life such as "I wonder what would happen if they made a Star Wars 7?" But I digress...Getting out of a very serious and committed relationship has taught me that being alone sucks. Friends are cool, yeah, but having a person of the opposite sex that has a deeper understanding of who you really are and how you really feel about things gives you a sense of security and grounding that makes you feel safe. That makes you feel secure in who you are and that if something goes wrong, you know the first person you can go to because she knows how to make you feel better more than anyone. Women are amazing creatures. God has created them to be nurturing and caring and kindhearted souls that have a mothering side to them. Mind you, not every girl is in tune with this instinct, but that's what separates the girls from the women. I sat by this REALLY beautiful and fine chick today at church and it totally distracted me from worshiping. I don't know who you are mystery girl, but you are super fine...again, I digress. I guess what I'm trying to spit out of this totally desultory blog, is that being alone really allows you to focus on who you are and what you're doing. I've found that I have more time to focus on God and what I'm currently doing and where I'm going than just living for the moment. While I don't enjoy being alone, it has shown me that I'm not dependent on no one but God. It has shown me that I love my most recent ex very much..but I love God more. It's a tough thing when someone asks "Would you give up God for me?" I never was asked such a question in my life. Most of you would have immediately spat out "NO NEVER!". I'll be honest...I hesitated. But my answer was always no. My answer was God. It's a tough life that God has called me to, and to everyone called to ministry. You have to give up soo much. To give up the "normal" life. Normal is relative but the major consensus is "I believe in God, but not enough to go to church or follow His will or read His word or give up sex,drugs,alcohol and everything else". When one is called to ministry, you have to give up everything that our greedy little bodies desire. There are things that I cannot and will not do because of my faith...and I'm ok with that. I am perfectly content knowing that I am fulfilling God's will and purpose in my life, even if it costs me everything I know. I had to basically give up my first love because of it. I'll be honest, it's not easy following God sometimes. Circumstances arise that leave you wanting and questioning, but it is by faith alone that I keep moving. I'm happy with who I am and what I want. Life sucks sometimes but I don't let it get to me. There is always something bigger and better on the other side of anything. We as human beings have the natural tendency to want things, even if it's bad for us and we know it. Most folks are perfectly content with believing in a God, but half heartedly. There is no such thing as half-loving or half-believing in God. With God, it's all or nothing. You can't say "Yeah I love God" but go out and wake up in somebody's bed that you don't know, taking pills that you don't have a illness or prescription for, or drinking things that make you do stupid things. Moses didn't, Job didn't, David didn't, Abram didn't and Jesus CERTAINLY didn't. If Jesus even had to pray, then what makes us any better? Why shouldn't we as well? It's God or bust with me.

Who Are We?

I never want you to think that I have my life together. That I know exactly who I am and that I have my stuff straight. There has never been a moment in my life where I looked into the mirror and recognized who was staring back at me. Sure, I have a better idea than I did a couples years ago, but I find that it's in the life defining moments where I have to make a life changing choice that I lose my sense of identity. I'll be honest, I am who I say I am. Trying to keep up this image of what I want you to think of me was too exhausting, so I gave up a long time ago trying to keep the masks on. What you see is what you get and I can assure you that my Facebook page accurately describes who I really am. Everyone is so concerned about the meaning of life. I don't believe that it can be compartmentalized into one idea; I think that it is a individual synopsis that is defined by our experiences and individual purpose in life. My idea of the purpose of life may be different than yours, and I think that it's a beautiful thing. To have something that I can call my own, to be sure of something. We all make choices, big or small, everyday that define who we are and what we believe. My purpose is to serve the Creator that made me, and to spread His light everywhere and to everyone that wants to know Him. To change and influence lives into something better, to inspire and encourage hearts that were once broken. My whole capacity in life is to love. Not for selfish glory or even to be liked, it feels good yeah, but I would much rather be respected than liked. I want to love and be loved by everyone that I meet. I love the people that most cast out, I love the people who don't love, I love the person I haven't even met yet. I love the homeless man on the street, to the point where I want to show him that God and humanity hasn't forgotten about him. When people look at me, or hear my name, I want them to think of Jesus.

I also live for personal love. Intimacy. To be who I am to someone without fear of rejection or criticism. I am a hopeless romantic who often fantasizes about things that most guys don't. Don't get me wrong, I have a life outside of a relationship, but I constantly think of new ways to make my significant other happy, even at the cost of my own. I live for the moments most people would take for granted. To share every moment of life with another person. I live for the sappy crap that most couples find repetitive or superfluous. I live for the moments where I look into the eyes of the person I love the most in this world, and stare back with a reciprocated love. A love that is uncompromising and unconditional. A love that's seen pain but has been set free. To see a smile that I know that I put there. These things define me. I'm not perfect, nor do I ever claim to be, but I try to be the best me that God has intended for me to be, and the best that I can possibly strive for. I don't live for the approval of others, it's too exhausting, but I do live to be known as one with no negative tags that have been placed by my mistakes and my mistakes are many. Life to me isn't about who you were or what you've done, but about who you are now and what you're going to do. Like I said, I haven't figured everything out yet, but I take my life one day at a time.